The Status of Your… Status

Why hello there sexers. We here at Sexit Strategy are still between stage 3 and 4 of grieving. Why did God have to take away our sweet and precious Amy? May we all pour out a drop of Tanqueray to our beloved songstress. She wouldn’t want us to discard of any more than a single solitary drop.

With that said, folks, let’s delve into something I have been investigating for several months now. That’s right, whoever said bloggers aren’t real investigative journalists never followed Sexit Strategy and they never read this post. The question: What’s your status?

The changing of the Facebook relationship status is a tricky tricky thing. The rules for one entering a relationship are drastically different than the rules for one leaving a relationship. First and foremost, you should only change your status to ‘In a Relationship’ with someone that you’ve A) met in person B) are actually in a relationship with. Might I suggest alerting them that you’re in a relationship, as well. Not a steadfast rule, but they may get suspicious if you suddenly have a heart by your profile pic and they were under the impression that you were just an FWB or a one night stand. Awkward.

If you’ve just broken up, or entered that murky ‘complicated’ world that Facebook thinks describes everyone who isn’t committed or pathetically eating ice cream alone and watching the Sex and the City movie while their reusable batteries charge in the corner, the rules vary drastically. Using your status to send a passive aggressive message to your ex is a bad idea. I won’t elaborate. Just know that it’s bad. Instead, follow these steps I read during my investigation.

1. Wait between 18 and 24 hours after the break up to alter your status’ status

2. Change your status in the wee hours of the morning and then link a dozen videos on your profile. If you have close friends that are night owls, implore them to post on your wall so that when your normal friends wake up in the morning your change of status is at the bottom of their newsfeed.

3. Buy ice cream, rent Sex and the City from Redbox, and join the rest of us.

One thing you don’t want to do when you’re downgrading your relationship status is dwell on it. People will comment. Ignore them. You will see more sad faces on your profile than you’ve ever wanted to see. Ignore them. People you haven’t spoken to in months will ask what happened. Ignore them. Finally, your mother will see your status and talk about what a loser your ex was to begin with. Ignore her.

The status of your status is what makes Facebook a multi-kazillion dollar company. We are wired to watch people enter and exit relationships just like we’re wired to slow down and watch a car wreck. In fact, I typed this whole post on my iPad in the car while waiting for traffic on 635 to clear. Until next time…

The Let Down

Why hello there sexers. Top o’ the mornin’ to ya. It’s Friday, it’s five o’clock somewhere, so grab a cocktail and let’s hop right in.

It was when I was watching Coupling with a nightcap of Jeremiah Weed n’ Water and a friend of mine, that an interesting subject came up. Or didn’t. The question of the letdown. Supposedly it happens to every guy. I’ve never experienced it and I’d rather get hit in the face with a 2x4 than ask any of my close friends if it’s ever happened to them. It’s embarrassing. It’s sad. It’s the realization that at a very middle age, say fifty or so, you’ll be lining up at your local CVS for another bottle of life’s blood: Viagra.

Yes, folks, we’re talking about The Great Let Down. What do you do when your Mr. doesn’t want to help you… well, do the do?

The fact of the matter is, there’s no simple solution when you’re only firing at half cylinders. Your lady partner is expecting all the torpedoes to be at full mast and if for whatever reason they aren’t, hang your head in shame, claim it’s the first time and leave quickly. Do not call. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

There’s no use trying to rationalize or diagnose the situation. It may very well be stress. Or fatigue. But all she hears when you make excuses is These Boots Weren’t Made For Walking… so get out of there with dignity and class… and speed. Go. Go now. Run if you have to.

The situation is a little trickier if you’re in a relationship. At that juncture, pray your girlfriend understands. Exit to the restroom and have a long talk with your Mr. Not So Hard On, and then return to bed, go directly to sleep. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. Trust me, talking about it is the last thing that’ll charm that little snake of yours. You’ve suffered enough embarrassment for one night.

Step two: within 48 hours but not before 8 hours, bring the subject up carefully. Let her know you know it happened, it isn’t her, and that hopefully it won’t happen again. She’ll say something comforting and you’ll be fine. Just make sure to relax the next time you plan on copulating. Stressing out over half-mast is the quickest way to only get to half-mast. This I know. This I’ve heard.

Next time, we’ll discuss the partner’s obligation when the sails don’t sail. Until next time, sexers. Bon Voyage.

The Very Definition Of: Bangover

Bangover: The morning after a rough night of sex. Usually with someone you don’t like personally, but find yourself enjoying in the boudoir. A bangover is characterized by the following symptoms: fatigue, mindless grinning, inability to walk straight, open mouth syndrome, uncharacteristic happiness and glee, mindless humming of an 80s ballad, shame, and regret.

Etymology: From the root word Hangover, meaning to be hung over. Combined with the prefix Bang, meaning to have sex.

Sentence: You can’t stop smiling. You brought me coffee. And you have a slight limp to the left. You are having a total bangover.

The Ex Sext

Hello there sexers. So I’m aware it’s been quite a while since I imparted some valuable knowledge on love and relationships, but sometimes life happens. Other times, vacation happens. Sangria happens. Inebriation happens. I don’t think I need to elaborate, do I?

So it was when I was drinking Peach Sangria with a friend of mine over the nation’s most illustrious holiday that the subject of ex-sexting came up. Now I’ve been very vocal about my feelings towards sexting in the past. I think it’s the best way to get a few rocks off without risking an STD. If my phone somehow contracts the Hiv, I might rethink my position, but until then, I say send a racy message… just make sure your face and your gens are sent separately. No use getting Wienered for your… wiener.

But with an ex, the trickiness quotient increases exponentially. The real question is, are you even allowed to reach out to your ex? How long does someone have to wait before it’s appropriate to contact an ex… point, blank, period? My friends and I like to follow the rule of half. Bide your time for half the length of the relationship, with four months being the cutoff. In short, two months, max.

Texting an ex in any capacity is tricky. It opens up a door to feelings that should very well be closed shut and locked with a key. It messes up boundaries. Throw a racy text into the mix, and well you’re setting yourself up for eminent failure. It should be one’s goal to move on in a decisive manner; that means drop the cell phone in the toilet like the rest of us when you’re drunk and don’t sext your ex.

But it’s done, Mark. It’s already done, you say. Now what? This blog is all about the ‘what now’ when a problem occurs. What’s the proper sexit strategy? Plead sheer and utter black out. Sure, being wasted isn’t an excuse for say… driving or getting in a fight with a police horse or making out with your second cousin or giving a one-kneed blowy on a dancefloor. But it is a solid excuse for accidently sexting someone. Say the liquor took over, send an apology text in the morning, and forget it ever happened. If they respond kindly, well… you don’t really need a sexit, then do you? Until Monday sexers. The good life is at your fingertips.

Love thy neighbor — and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier. — Mae West

A Sexit Sitdown Session: I’ve Put a [Dry] Spell On You

What do you do when you are married and aren’t getting any, and the good old fashioned berry tickle doesn’t work…?

                                                 -Anonymous

Thank you for such a concise question, reader. As short as the query is, unfortunately, the answer isn’t quite so simple.

First and foremost, before I could get to the nitty gritty of your matrimonial dry spell, I had to Google the term berry tickle. Not gonna lie, not in my vocabulary. Much to my chagrin, Google didn’t have the answer. This very rarely happens, so you can imagine my utter confusion as to the origin of this very very colloquialized phrase. (Unless of course you meant the videos of Barry getting Tickled or a rather prolific website that sells adult toys by name of TickleBerry. I couldn’t decided which one better suited this question…)

Anyhow, it doesn’t really matter which method of self discovery you’ve taken to, the facts at hand indicate that they are less than effective. The problem here, my dear friend, is that in most cases such as these, the problem isn’t sexual. The sex leaving the boudoir is a byproduct of a much more complicated issue in your relationship. In the spirit of concision: find out why your significant other isn’t putting out or you’ll be doomed to celibacy and tickling your berries for the rest of your life—which doesn’t bode well because you’re already bored of hanging out with Huckleberry Finn and the Jet (yes, they’re weird, but their wonderful).

My advice is to go back to the last time you and your better half copulated and see what the circumstances were. Maybe recreate the mood and remind your spouse why they used to love your berry boys to begin with. If necessary, download some Babyface and pour out some Tequila and let a friend of mine named Mr. Patron do the talking. If all else fails, dress up like George Clooney and hope for the best.

This is the perfect opportunity for me to plug the app of a good friend of mine: Dr. Sexy Time, available for Apple and soon for Android. The app is committed to improving the sex lives of committed (and actually, not so committed, I guess) adults. Give it a looksie at your local iTunes store and see if their mantra will help you in your situation: Good Sex is Good For You.

There is nothing worse than losing the passion in a relationship. Like a pot of boiling water, if you let the passion dwindle, all you’ll be left with is a dry pan by the time it’s all said and done. Nip this situation in the bud right now, my friend, before it’s too late. Until next time, sexers: don’t let the sun go down on you.     

Sex is like bridge; if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand. — Mae West

What’s in a Name?

Hello there Sexers. I can’t lie. As I type this, I’m still reeling from the travesty that was the Miss USA 2011 pageant. I know it has no bearing on sex or relationships, but allow me two sentences to vent, please. A ginger from New Jersey? Can it get any more déclassé than that? And now that I’ve alienated any red-headed readers or fans from Jersey… let’s move on.  

Alas, it was when a friend of mine and I were enjoying cocktails over ceviche that a very interesting topic came out: the name game. We’re not talking about Brenda Brenda Bo Benda here. We’re talking about what happens when you say the wrong name in bed.

It’s bad enough saying the wrong name in casual conversation. Once, I was approached by someone who seemed to know me, even though I could have sworn I’d never seen him before in my life. Being the people person I strive to be, I went with it and chalked the meeting up to a drunken night. In our conversation, I narrowed his named down to two things: James or Justin. I decided to just go for it, said Justin and it ended up being James. Needless to say, I never saw that guy again. It was tres embarrassing.

Now imagine doing that while being inside of someone. That’s a million and one times worse. Talk about getting Weinered out of Congress. If you call the wrong name in bed, you may as well return to your loft, pack your things and leave. You are no longer in the running to be America’s Next Top Hookup.

So what do you do? The key here is to refrain from saying anything else for the rest of the copulation session. Just keep mum. Pretend like it never happened. When you’re done, slink away like the incident didn’t happen: quickly and quietly. Don’t wait around for a call about a second date… you’ve sealed your fate as a one hit wonder.

And if you’re the receiver in this kind of situation? My inclination is to say just let it slide. It happens to all of us. Everyone has looked at a Britney and said Ashley. For the most part, things like this are super harmless. Don’t make a big deal about it.

If you’re getting serious with this person, however, I’d say find out who this Ashley or Justin is and deal accordingly. There’s never an excuse to shout out an exes name in bed… all other names deserve a shoulder shrug and a forgive and forget. Unless it’s his mother’s name. Red flag. Big big red flag.  

Sexicon of the Week: Prejac

Word: Prejac

Etymology: From the root word ejaculation, meaning to expel, spurt or spit. From the prefix pre meaning before or early.

Definition: Prejac is a verb, meaning to lay one’s seed earlier than intended. Usually happens unexpectedly with embarrassing result.

Sentence: “I once had a friend who prejacced while making out with his girlfriend at a movie theater. The movie was Star Wars Episode 3, I think. What a great movie. Wow. How awkward would that be?”

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic. — Woody Allen