The Status of Your… Status

Why hello there sexers. We here at Sexit Strategy are still between stage 3 and 4 of grieving. Why did God have to take away our sweet and precious Amy? May we all pour out a drop of Tanqueray to our beloved songstress. She wouldn’t want us to discard of any more than a single solitary drop.

With that said, folks, let’s delve into something I have been investigating for several months now. That’s right, whoever said bloggers aren’t real investigative journalists never followed Sexit Strategy and they never read this post. The question: What’s your status?

The changing of the Facebook relationship status is a tricky tricky thing. The rules for one entering a relationship are drastically different than the rules for one leaving a relationship. First and foremost, you should only change your status to ‘In a Relationship’ with someone that you’ve A) met in person B) are actually in a relationship with. Might I suggest alerting them that you’re in a relationship, as well. Not a steadfast rule, but they may get suspicious if you suddenly have a heart by your profile pic and they were under the impression that you were just an FWB or a one night stand. Awkward.

If you’ve just broken up, or entered that murky ‘complicated’ world that Facebook thinks describes everyone who isn’t committed or pathetically eating ice cream alone and watching the Sex and the City movie while their reusable batteries charge in the corner, the rules vary drastically. Using your status to send a passive aggressive message to your ex is a bad idea. I won’t elaborate. Just know that it’s bad. Instead, follow these steps I read during my investigation.

1. Wait between 18 and 24 hours after the break up to alter your status’ status

2. Change your status in the wee hours of the morning and then link a dozen videos on your profile. If you have close friends that are night owls, implore them to post on your wall so that when your normal friends wake up in the morning your change of status is at the bottom of their newsfeed.

3. Buy ice cream, rent Sex and the City from Redbox, and join the rest of us.

One thing you don’t want to do when you’re downgrading your relationship status is dwell on it. People will comment. Ignore them. You will see more sad faces on your profile than you’ve ever wanted to see. Ignore them. People you haven’t spoken to in months will ask what happened. Ignore them. Finally, your mother will see your status and talk about what a loser your ex was to begin with. Ignore her.

The status of your status is what makes Facebook a multi-kazillion dollar company. We are wired to watch people enter and exit relationships just like we’re wired to slow down and watch a car wreck. In fact, I typed this whole post on my iPad in the car while waiting for traffic on 635 to clear. Until next time…

Sex is like money; only too much is enough. — John Updike

The Let Down

Why hello there sexers. Top o’ the mornin’ to ya. It’s Friday, it’s five o’clock somewhere, so grab a cocktail and let’s hop right in.

It was when I was watching Coupling with a nightcap of Jeremiah Weed n’ Water and a friend of mine, that an interesting subject came up. Or didn’t. The question of the letdown. Supposedly it happens to every guy. I’ve never experienced it and I’d rather get hit in the face with a 2x4 than ask any of my close friends if it’s ever happened to them. It’s embarrassing. It’s sad. It’s the realization that at a very middle age, say fifty or so, you’ll be lining up at your local CVS for another bottle of life’s blood: Viagra.

Yes, folks, we’re talking about The Great Let Down. What do you do when your Mr. doesn’t want to help you… well, do the do?

The fact of the matter is, there’s no simple solution when you’re only firing at half cylinders. Your lady partner is expecting all the torpedoes to be at full mast and if for whatever reason they aren’t, hang your head in shame, claim it’s the first time and leave quickly. Do not call. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

There’s no use trying to rationalize or diagnose the situation. It may very well be stress. Or fatigue. But all she hears when you make excuses is These Boots Weren’t Made For Walking… so get out of there with dignity and class… and speed. Go. Go now. Run if you have to.

The situation is a little trickier if you’re in a relationship. At that juncture, pray your girlfriend understands. Exit to the restroom and have a long talk with your Mr. Not So Hard On, and then return to bed, go directly to sleep. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. Trust me, talking about it is the last thing that’ll charm that little snake of yours. You’ve suffered enough embarrassment for one night.

Step two: within 48 hours but not before 8 hours, bring the subject up carefully. Let her know you know it happened, it isn’t her, and that hopefully it won’t happen again. She’ll say something comforting and you’ll be fine. Just make sure to relax the next time you plan on copulating. Stressing out over half-mast is the quickest way to only get to half-mast. This I know. This I’ve heard.

Next time, we’ll discuss the partner’s obligation when the sails don’t sail. Until next time, sexers. Bon Voyage.

The Very Definition Of: Bangover

Bangover: The morning after a rough night of sex. Usually with someone you don’t like personally, but find yourself enjoying in the boudoir. A bangover is characterized by the following symptoms: fatigue, mindless grinning, inability to walk straight, open mouth syndrome, uncharacteristic happiness and glee, mindless humming of an 80s ballad, shame, and regret.

Etymology: From the root word Hangover, meaning to be hung over. Combined with the prefix Bang, meaning to have sex.

Sentence: You can’t stop smiling. You brought me coffee. And you have a slight limp to the left. You are having a total bangover.

For me, marriage was like sex. Most of the fun was getting there. Once I was in, I hung on as long as I could. But the end was pretty messy. — Unknown, via D. Lambert

The Ex Sext

Hello there sexers. So I’m aware it’s been quite a while since I imparted some valuable knowledge on love and relationships, but sometimes life happens. Other times, vacation happens. Sangria happens. Inebriation happens. I don’t think I need to elaborate, do I?

So it was when I was drinking Peach Sangria with a friend of mine over the nation’s most illustrious holiday that the subject of ex-sexting came up. Now I’ve been very vocal about my feelings towards sexting in the past. I think it’s the best way to get a few rocks off without risking an STD. If my phone somehow contracts the Hiv, I might rethink my position, but until then, I say send a racy message… just make sure your face and your gens are sent separately. No use getting Wienered for your… wiener.

But with an ex, the trickiness quotient increases exponentially. The real question is, are you even allowed to reach out to your ex? How long does someone have to wait before it’s appropriate to contact an ex… point, blank, period? My friends and I like to follow the rule of half. Bide your time for half the length of the relationship, with four months being the cutoff. In short, two months, max.

Texting an ex in any capacity is tricky. It opens up a door to feelings that should very well be closed shut and locked with a key. It messes up boundaries. Throw a racy text into the mix, and well you’re setting yourself up for eminent failure. It should be one’s goal to move on in a decisive manner; that means drop the cell phone in the toilet like the rest of us when you’re drunk and don’t sext your ex.

But it’s done, Mark. It’s already done, you say. Now what? This blog is all about the ‘what now’ when a problem occurs. What’s the proper sexit strategy? Plead sheer and utter black out. Sure, being wasted isn’t an excuse for say… driving or getting in a fight with a police horse or making out with your second cousin or giving a one-kneed blowy on a dancefloor. But it is a solid excuse for accidently sexting someone. Say the liquor took over, send an apology text in the morning, and forget it ever happened. If they respond kindly, well… you don’t really need a sexit, then do you? Until Monday sexers. The good life is at your fingertips.

The Ultimate Ultimatum

Why hello there sexers. We here at Sexit Strategy have been watching the Wimbledon games as if it’s our day job. Besides simply watching great tennis day after day, I must say the eye candy in England these days is astounding. Whoever invited Feliciano Lopez to the party definitely gets top marks. Whoever told Venus Williams it was okay to wear that high-waisted goddess jumper that resembled a full wet diaper needs to go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

With that said, we did take time out of our busy schedule to discuss some relationship related matters. (As much as I’d love to discuss how William might be the baldest future King Great Britain has ever seen…) and it was when a friend of mine and I were chatting over awesome jello shooters and soaking up each other’s awesomeness that the subject of the dreaded ultimatum came up.

In relationships, there is no greater two edged sword than the ultimate ultimatum. That card is reserved for truly heinous acts in which one is quite ready to call it quits but would rather give their other the slight benefit of one more doubt before they pull the plug. There is something to be said, however, that a relationship that is already at the ultimatum stage is most likely on life support to begin with.

But don’t be fooled, sexers. Telling someone that if they don’t do things your way or else you’re done can be the quickest way to bite yourself in the ass. Before you pull out the ‘if you don’t agree, maybe we shouldn’t be together line’, be prepared to… well, to not be together. Making that threat emptily is the fastest way to get you and baby Magic front row seats to divorce court.    

Giving someone an ultimatum should always be done with care. In most cases, the person with more relationship points is the only one in a position to threaten. Points? More on that later, but suffice it to know that in relationships we’re always playing for points. Are you the more attractive party in the relationship? Add a point. Breadwinner? Add a point. Crazy mother in law? Subtract a point. Ron Jeremy-esque? Add 11.5 points.  

The ultimatum is a great tool to get your otherwise lacking significant other to see things your way, even if they don’t actually see things your way. No one wants to break up over any one action, and in several cases, an ultimatum will lead to the desired outcome to avoid just that. However, doling one out is a death star for a relationship. Not only does it point to rocky roads, but you never really know what someone is going to do until they do it… and that means your ultimate ultimatum could lead to you calling Ultimate Movers and buying a one way ticket to SingleVille.

What’s in a Name?

Hello there Sexers. I can’t lie. As I type this, I’m still reeling from the travesty that was the Miss USA 2011 pageant. I know it has no bearing on sex or relationships, but allow me two sentences to vent, please. A ginger from New Jersey? Can it get any more déclassé than that? And now that I’ve alienated any red-headed readers or fans from Jersey… let’s move on.  

Alas, it was when a friend of mine and I were enjoying cocktails over ceviche that a very interesting topic came out: the name game. We’re not talking about Brenda Brenda Bo Benda here. We’re talking about what happens when you say the wrong name in bed.

It’s bad enough saying the wrong name in casual conversation. Once, I was approached by someone who seemed to know me, even though I could have sworn I’d never seen him before in my life. Being the people person I strive to be, I went with it and chalked the meeting up to a drunken night. In our conversation, I narrowed his named down to two things: James or Justin. I decided to just go for it, said Justin and it ended up being James. Needless to say, I never saw that guy again. It was tres embarrassing.

Now imagine doing that while being inside of someone. That’s a million and one times worse. Talk about getting Weinered out of Congress. If you call the wrong name in bed, you may as well return to your loft, pack your things and leave. You are no longer in the running to be America’s Next Top Hookup.

So what do you do? The key here is to refrain from saying anything else for the rest of the copulation session. Just keep mum. Pretend like it never happened. When you’re done, slink away like the incident didn’t happen: quickly and quietly. Don’t wait around for a call about a second date… you’ve sealed your fate as a one hit wonder.

And if you’re the receiver in this kind of situation? My inclination is to say just let it slide. It happens to all of us. Everyone has looked at a Britney and said Ashley. For the most part, things like this are super harmless. Don’t make a big deal about it.

If you’re getting serious with this person, however, I’d say find out who this Ashley or Justin is and deal accordingly. There’s never an excuse to shout out an exes name in bed… all other names deserve a shoulder shrug and a forgive and forget. Unless it’s his mother’s name. Red flag. Big big red flag.  

What is Your S-exit Strategy?

Hello there, folks. Welcome to the new blog from famed Lex and the City author, taking it to the big time after a year’s hiatus. Before we start, let’s assess what a year away means for a struggling relationship expert. It means more antidotes, better quips, and racier advice.

Which leads me to The Sex-it Strategy. Or is it S-exit Strategy? In a word, it’s both. Because as much time as we spend planning how we’ll sex the next thing that walks into the bar, equal amounts of time are spent planning for that shame-free exit. With care, grace and proper instruction, you’ll be sexiting your way to a long term relationship.

So join me as we drop the Lex, pick up the Sex, and plan our Sexit Strategy.